we're all indifferent in our own ways

Energy is constantly in flux. This transient aspect of energy is why I haven’t written in a while. I have been trying to come up with the best topic for my “e” entry and after weeks of different ideas I finally realized that its so obvious what I should be writing about. At one point I was just going to list all the “e” words that were flailing around in my head, I mean after all the ELECTION was a big fucking deal this year and in our lives as a whole so far. But then things like empathy, evaluation, and evolution also sounded tempting, with empathy leading that race. I have been so consumed in not only activities of my daily life, but also with the fact that I haven’t been able to evaluate them in the normal fashion of how I handle these types of things. Being twenty, in college, in a place were my choices really are my own, has been taking its toll on my mental state. And I don’t just see it as a personal struggle, I see it mirrored in the friends that surround me and in my friends abroad. We are learning more about ourselves than we are in school, but yet the pressures to maintain the vigor to study and think in terms of our specific subject matter still exists. I have said many times that I am not in college for the degree, I don’t even know what a degree in sociology will get me. To me my major is the most vague of them all, we are philosophers of our modern age, so we are people who are just shootin’ the shit about why we all feel like shit and the ideas of how to change such issues will only further another side of feeling like shit. I find myself running in circles with this subject matter, which only justifies my absurd reality even more. I came to college because it was the path we were told to follow, a path almost no one advised me on, but one I none-the-less put immense amounts of energy and effort into to stay on track. My dad doesn’t even know what my major means, but in truth I don’t either I guess, but when it came down to school it was really just a “Get’hur done” attitude and authority that brought me to this place. Now that I am here though I find myself as a head bouncing and boppin around these hills and the campus. Sometimes my head is connected to my body (pretty much only when I am biking) but most of the time I exist in a transient dream state. I go to the my classes, I go to work, I go to meetings, but at the end of the day nothing starts until I am sitting on the balcony (or somewhere of equal comfort) and allowed to just stop and think about it all. When I am on the go I get it done, but what am I getting it done for? I dunno and neither do the other people I see as we are moving along. Only at night when I am frozen and pseudo-meditating do I get the big picture. Which really is nothing and everything at the same time. I really feel I am just a bunch of potential energy, and maybe that is just fine. Kinetic energy can lead to some big booms and mishaps if we don’t go about it with some awareness and understanding of the reason for our actions. I would rather be sitting, thinking, possessing a potential, than rushing and doing with blinders on my eyes. More and more I am coming to terms with certain social habits of mine, and my work ethic, and realizing the Tao of me. I have this protestant work ethic in how I get things done, promptly and properly the first time through, but when it comes to working amongst people I am doing it how I want when I want. I don’t want to go to a party where kinetic energy is forcing us to say and do things of no importance. I don’t want to intellectually masturbate someone at the lunch table just because they desire to be right and prove something to someone else. The only proof I need is in my belly, it’s a feeling and nothing more for me. (I think more so than anything I was just annoyed at this guy for challenging someone because he was only going to dominate the conversation with irrelevant gibberish, that only showed an intellectual ego and not an actual honest debate) I just want to be speaking about honest things, things that are tangible to us. I would rather listen to an annoying teenage girl upset about her break-up than some college wikipedia head who just wants to lay down “facts” he hasn’t even seen and will most likely never see and truly understand. I just want honesty and truth in terms of the individual, rather than facts and truth about a non tangible object; hence here in lies the idea for an empathy entry in the blog.
I remember once in a high school English class my teacher talking about her roommate at Davis. She was saying how her roommate was very upfront in the beginning about her reason for going to college, which was to find a husband. My teacher ragged on her for how un feminist that was, how opposite of the modern woman’s position in an institute of higher learning, and I sorta felt the same way…not so much about the feminists part because I don’t buy into that whole ordeal either (we are just people! fuck everything else, any sort of label or classification. you have your fits, I have my fits, but in the end its feeling and that’s all life is…some energy floating around in our stomachs that indicate to our minds whats going on, but our bodies knew it all along anyway, we have this feeling). I sorta felt the same way about not liking what the roommates objective was because I wanted to go to college to get away from my home, to follow some sort of American dream of acquiring more shit than our parents, because I wanted to be bigger than my circumstances said I could be. But now that I am here I am beginning to see how easy it could be to just find that guy and then do nothing. (Well I guess its not so easy to find that guy considering my blank history of the past year or so, but in other news…) Just be potentially something, but not anything in particular, that sounds like what I was in the beginning, what I am now, and what I will continue to be. How did Kramer do it? I can thank, surprisingly, sorority girls for the image of a perfect potential used for nothing more than procreation and image building (yayers trophy wives). But if you know me this is obviously not what I want, I could never be some body’s fool or tool, but wouldn’t it be nice if all I ever had to do was sit and observe cuz my hubbies doing all the rest of it. Its my favorite activity anyway, sitting listening to it all, watching it all, allowing sensations to occur inside me with little to no effort on my part. I like sitting at one end of the cafeteria so I can see all the others interact and socialize, I myself may try to not socialize at all by hiding behind the newspaper, but I like to watch the others. Does this mean I am more inclined to judge society than be a part of it, maybe, but that seems appropriate in our lives now anyway. Most of us do this with the click of a button and a username. (Facebook stalking anyone…?) or even on a more basic level of celebrity obsessions, even political obsessions, either way we can all go online and devote our time to thinking about others. So I don’t think I am lame for wanting to just be potentially something, for in the process of being active all bets are off and all things are lost, something always gets lost in the translation. To be or not to be that is the question, Being and Nothingness that is one remedy.

Listening to:
Modest Mouse because Sir Brock is Bukowski, Vonnegut, and Kerouac all in one
and
Animal Collective because goddamn talk about a concept group/album/life