we're all indifferent in our own ways

Energy is constantly in flux. This transient aspect of energy is why I haven’t written in a while. I have been trying to come up with the best topic for my “e” entry and after weeks of different ideas I finally realized that its so obvious what I should be writing about. At one point I was just going to list all the “e” words that were flailing around in my head, I mean after all the ELECTION was a big fucking deal this year and in our lives as a whole so far. But then things like empathy, evaluation, and evolution also sounded tempting, with empathy leading that race. I have been so consumed in not only activities of my daily life, but also with the fact that I haven’t been able to evaluate them in the normal fashion of how I handle these types of things. Being twenty, in college, in a place were my choices really are my own, has been taking its toll on my mental state. And I don’t just see it as a personal struggle, I see it mirrored in the friends that surround me and in my friends abroad. We are learning more about ourselves than we are in school, but yet the pressures to maintain the vigor to study and think in terms of our specific subject matter still exists. I have said many times that I am not in college for the degree, I don’t even know what a degree in sociology will get me. To me my major is the most vague of them all, we are philosophers of our modern age, so we are people who are just shootin’ the shit about why we all feel like shit and the ideas of how to change such issues will only further another side of feeling like shit. I find myself running in circles with this subject matter, which only justifies my absurd reality even more. I came to college because it was the path we were told to follow, a path almost no one advised me on, but one I none-the-less put immense amounts of energy and effort into to stay on track. My dad doesn’t even know what my major means, but in truth I don’t either I guess, but when it came down to school it was really just a “Get’hur done” attitude and authority that brought me to this place. Now that I am here though I find myself as a head bouncing and boppin around these hills and the campus. Sometimes my head is connected to my body (pretty much only when I am biking) but most of the time I exist in a transient dream state. I go to the my classes, I go to work, I go to meetings, but at the end of the day nothing starts until I am sitting on the balcony (or somewhere of equal comfort) and allowed to just stop and think about it all. When I am on the go I get it done, but what am I getting it done for? I dunno and neither do the other people I see as we are moving along. Only at night when I am frozen and pseudo-meditating do I get the big picture. Which really is nothing and everything at the same time. I really feel I am just a bunch of potential energy, and maybe that is just fine. Kinetic energy can lead to some big booms and mishaps if we don’t go about it with some awareness and understanding of the reason for our actions. I would rather be sitting, thinking, possessing a potential, than rushing and doing with blinders on my eyes. More and more I am coming to terms with certain social habits of mine, and my work ethic, and realizing the Tao of me. I have this protestant work ethic in how I get things done, promptly and properly the first time through, but when it comes to working amongst people I am doing it how I want when I want. I don’t want to go to a party where kinetic energy is forcing us to say and do things of no importance. I don’t want to intellectually masturbate someone at the lunch table just because they desire to be right and prove something to someone else. The only proof I need is in my belly, it’s a feeling and nothing more for me. (I think more so than anything I was just annoyed at this guy for challenging someone because he was only going to dominate the conversation with irrelevant gibberish, that only showed an intellectual ego and not an actual honest debate) I just want to be speaking about honest things, things that are tangible to us. I would rather listen to an annoying teenage girl upset about her break-up than some college wikipedia head who just wants to lay down “facts” he hasn’t even seen and will most likely never see and truly understand. I just want honesty and truth in terms of the individual, rather than facts and truth about a non tangible object; hence here in lies the idea for an empathy entry in the blog.
I remember once in a high school English class my teacher talking about her roommate at Davis. She was saying how her roommate was very upfront in the beginning about her reason for going to college, which was to find a husband. My teacher ragged on her for how un feminist that was, how opposite of the modern woman’s position in an institute of higher learning, and I sorta felt the same way…not so much about the feminists part because I don’t buy into that whole ordeal either (we are just people! fuck everything else, any sort of label or classification. you have your fits, I have my fits, but in the end its feeling and that’s all life is…some energy floating around in our stomachs that indicate to our minds whats going on, but our bodies knew it all along anyway, we have this feeling). I sorta felt the same way about not liking what the roommates objective was because I wanted to go to college to get away from my home, to follow some sort of American dream of acquiring more shit than our parents, because I wanted to be bigger than my circumstances said I could be. But now that I am here I am beginning to see how easy it could be to just find that guy and then do nothing. (Well I guess its not so easy to find that guy considering my blank history of the past year or so, but in other news…) Just be potentially something, but not anything in particular, that sounds like what I was in the beginning, what I am now, and what I will continue to be. How did Kramer do it? I can thank, surprisingly, sorority girls for the image of a perfect potential used for nothing more than procreation and image building (yayers trophy wives). But if you know me this is obviously not what I want, I could never be some body’s fool or tool, but wouldn’t it be nice if all I ever had to do was sit and observe cuz my hubbies doing all the rest of it. Its my favorite activity anyway, sitting listening to it all, watching it all, allowing sensations to occur inside me with little to no effort on my part. I like sitting at one end of the cafeteria so I can see all the others interact and socialize, I myself may try to not socialize at all by hiding behind the newspaper, but I like to watch the others. Does this mean I am more inclined to judge society than be a part of it, maybe, but that seems appropriate in our lives now anyway. Most of us do this with the click of a button and a username. (Facebook stalking anyone…?) or even on a more basic level of celebrity obsessions, even political obsessions, either way we can all go online and devote our time to thinking about others. So I don’t think I am lame for wanting to just be potentially something, for in the process of being active all bets are off and all things are lost, something always gets lost in the translation. To be or not to be that is the question, Being and Nothingness that is one remedy.

Listening to:
Modest Mouse because Sir Brock is Bukowski, Vonnegut, and Kerouac all in one
and
Animal Collective because goddamn talk about a concept group/album/life

Face to Face

Doing stuff is tiring. I have always been pretty productive and prompt, but as of late i am just doing doing doing stufffffff. This year i am social. I have the co-op for anytime social activities, its a way better version of the dorms thats for sure. More freedom, more college choices of activities, and there are tons of cool people to talk with. Foreigners are of course the best for the perspectives they offer, but there are so many like minded people who can talk about simple everyday things or go deep into philosophy. What you lookin' for? its here. I have my normal job where i hang out with kiddies and learn some really fascinating things about people (yes i learn from kids they are the most truthful people I have met) and i am constantly learning about myself. my patience is building beyond how much i thought i had stored up. The most exciting thing i am doing though is Outdoor Adventures. Just this morning i was that annoying bitch on Bruinwalk who was yelling at you about "hanging out in the woods with your friends" or rock climbing,biking, surfing. (i was rockin' the yellow helmet and booty enhancing harness) i made some good impressions on boys and even ladies liked the look. and yes if you were biking or had surfer hair or a scruffy face i profiled you and made you take a flier. OA offers so much beyond the wilderness experience, its about meeting some amazing ucla students who appreciate nature, its about pushing yourself past every limit you have whether you be backpacking, rock climbing, kayaking, or just breaking out of your normal self into a nature self. I love that i get to guide others about in nature, cuz i love being outdoors doing stuff and i want others to like it just as much as me. OA is the first activity i can give my all to. All my energy is used to excite others, get people to try something new, and to push myself to do better with every aspect of my own limit pushing: emotionally, physically, mentally, and just all around nature-y. Of course i am doing school, but that has become a very natural thing for me. Reading has never been an issue, and after i meditate on my assignments i can poop out an essay in two hours. And lastly i have my friend family that i also donate my time to. I love my core friends from way back in the freshmen dorms; in life i collect people very carefully, and the ones i got are good ones. I love all the people in my life right now, they are all so fascinating and offer me many things to do. I foresee myself doing a lot of stuff this year. The past month has just flown by with all the activities i am doing, i am always in and out of my room to do something else or be with someone else. the time has come to talk of many things, but really the time has come to do a lot of things.

i always get questions about my choice to be a vegetarian and i have sorta always had trouble explaining why. I care about the environment, but i am not an information source about climate change nor about animal cruelty. Being a vegetarian was about testing myself, but more so it was about trying to be an activist. I felt like i wasn't really doing anything about how i felt, and being a vegetarian is just one way to show my priorities. It was about health yes, it was about convenience yes, it was about stopping animal agriculture because it ruins our planet and does harm creatures. but more importantly it was about being a sort of activist. This guy asked me if i was a vegetarian because i care about the cows. and i just laughed and said no cuz if i truly cared about them i would be protesting and writing letters to policy makers to make changes. If i was truly eco friendly i would be screaming and shouting at others, but i dont do that so i cant say i truly care that much. I care but not in the sense i need to persuade you, i do it for me. I try to live honestly and i try to listen to my inner self, and my inner self was saying your a faker for your love of nature but suckiness of protecting it. So yes i am a vegetarian, why do i do it: because i wanted to be active in changing our world, but it is a process like the 8 fold path in buddhism, first stage personal activism. i do it for myself because soon i will be doing for all of you. i wont be preaching but if you ask me prepare for a long list of reason why you could be a vegetarian too, cuz i do it for only a few little reasons, but there are a buttload of options for not eating meat that might suit your feelings and thoughts.

anyway im gunna go do some stuff and you should do as well. there is stuff to do, and you to do it.

I alone pedal in the mud

Cycling is freedom. When I am on my bike I am released from all worldly ties. No media, no interpersonal interactions, no consumption. I just move at my pace, communicate with whoever I deem necessary to interact with, and do work rather than purchase someone else’s labors. I choose between being a car or a pedestrian. I bomb down hills, and twork it up them. Cycling is isolation. For the past year I have avoided flyer-ing on bruin walk, been able to ignore any awkward acquaintance glances (or the even more awkward corollary to that, the obvious trying to avoid looking at you encounter while walking to class), and haven’t had to listen to the most irrelevant, unintelligent morning conversations. I can choose to ride sans music, where I get to absorb all the city sounds, or I can cruise with my iPod as a motivator to overcome the many hills of Westwood. Biking is a form of solitude because even if you are riding in a group (not so much Critical Mass status, but a minor biker brigade) you are alone. You can pass people or lag behind, you can be in the middle and still not be talking with anyone. It is the most fascinating of paradoxes when you are a in crowded room, or amongst a group, and still feel completely alone, estranged, isolated. (Now I’m thinking about a quote from Daisy in the Great Gatsby and also a song by the National) But then again cycling can be the most intimate of experiences with another, it allows for another dynamic of a relationship to develop. I can think of specific nuisances biking brings about in a person, such as Gary Fisher bouncing down the nighttime SR streets, or the fixed gear boy who shakes his butt as he slows himself down a hill, or me and my big smile as I zigzag between LA traffic (its exhilarating when you swerve in and out of traffic to emerge as the first place runner on an “open” road). Cycling is freedom from consumption. I don’t have to pay seventy-five cents to ride my bike like I would have to with the bus, I don’t waste any oil to make myself me and it move--instead I am the kinetic energy that produces motion; so when I am biking I am the opposite of consumption, instead I am conserving in terms of the worlds economic endeavors-- and I don’t waste my time frustrated with other drivers or pedestrians, because in the end im still trekking at my steady pace. I am certainly hated on by motorized drivers, but I remain true to the bike lanes and stop signs (well mostly), so their honking is only a douche-bag move, and not an informative warning. Biking is also a form of strengthening your hand-eye coordination and how you coordinate with others. Sometimes drivers don’t check their blind spots, or check their spots at all, and just turn like it ain’t no thang, when bam fuck you buddy I’m slamming on my brakes and swerving into a bush. Other times I can sense their stupidity before it becomes a danger to my life, so i brake and swerve with plenty of time to zoom by the driver’s side smirking and shaking my head in amusement, cuz it ain’t no thang I didn‘t see coming. Misanthropic doesn’t even begin to touch the surface of how I feel sometimes about people in cars, but in the end biking reigns supreme over any other form of transportation.
Obama Trek is my lover. I ride him over here, I pedal over there, I bike him everywhere. He has character of course, with his travel shelf which has yellow side satchels that I can attach to it for easy transportation of goods. The back tire has a slow leak, which is fine by me considering how many bike hotties I encounter when I go by the shop for a refill. He only sometimes likes to listen to me commanding his tension gears, we have had many disagreements which usually end with me black handed from reworking the chain onto the rails. He is not a fresh baby, he’s been around the block for about twenty years, but he is faithful and dependable. He’s the type of guy you just don’t let get away, unless your on top going along for the journey.


Listening to: Aesop Rock’s Labor Days
“This cat is asking if I've seen his little lost passion
I told him: "Yeah, but only when I pedaled past him"

No Dull Moments

Balcony livin'. It just IS.

There is never a bad time for the balcony. I have made it a part of my everyday summer routine to make sure i am on my balcony around 7 to watch the sunset. In the beginning of summer it was falling right behind the Getty, creating a beautiful silhouette, then the chariot took it slowly south west of that monument and the sea breeze gifted us with amazing cumulus and stratus clouds that had sun rays bouncing off of them as the sun went to sleep and the clouds came into our towns to insulate the pollution. I love that i dont have to wear pants at night, but sometimes i actually think about why that might be and well you know. This last stage of wonder involves the sun falling behind the trees of Ophir, allowing for an even more intriguing night shot of Westwood at its best time: dusk. We live in La but where we actually live is NOT LA, which only makes laugh at the thought of whatever path i crafted for myself strangely being too appropriate for my adult self, especially considering how much knowledge i had about this place (which was none until I came for orientation). I didn't just take my finger and place it anywhere, I have wanted to come here since i could say a universities name--acronyms make inspiration easy sometimes--but i hadnt seen the campus or this area until i took the eight hour drive here by myself for orientation. Two years past and now i am re-seeing this area for something beyond the bubble that was the hill, now it is the balcony that is life. but back to here: we are very lucky, and very grateful to the room assignment gods because we have one of the best views in town. our balcony faces the best side, the west side and i am always happy to rep it. We dont look out to high rise office buildings such as the Oxy tower, that say the roof of certain frat houses see, but rather we peer at a great expanse of Rear Window opportunities, OJ's old backyard, and flight paths mixed into one. We get the trees of Brentwood, the beginnings of the Santa Monica Mountains, and LAX before it is LAX all in one glimpse. We get reds and oranges as the sunsets, but we also get green and grey as the trees sway and the smog creeps in. This is not a completely LA view, which is why i am thankful, but I'm not denying that i live in a concrete compound, the bubble of school life doesn't allude me, but at least when I'm on the balcony i am unaware of all of that. In the morning i wake up and step out into the fresh ocean clouds, somehow we also live on the beach at times. Balcony mornings are usually about:
a.) macon doing her awesomeness in her notebook
b.) smoke in your mouth before water
c.) sipping coffee as we watch the game that is westwood parking
and maybe
d.)me studying.

Afternoon balcony is a funny one because the sun doesn't actually start to grace the patio until 2:30. Long mornings with great breezes is really all it means, but once the sun comes Bam! like emeril you be grillin. We have plenty of fun things on the balcony such as a big white door (from a mysterious room 402) that everyone colors with crayons. BAM! melty crayons indeed, but we remedied that situation by finding them a shady lane. we have a clock set at the appropriate time of course, about the time where i did my wizard business today:





And my new profile picture is a testament to the first stage of wizardry, and it is also a homage to the great King Theoden. yes, we have some other fun friends on the balcony, such as the king, the water curse, zeus, and dub-o-dub who all hang out under our newly Macgyvered cardboard condo that exclaims "No longer Bakin' in the sun, just Chillin". the best is yuri's awesome puzzle, glow in the dark orcas for all who come to visit our wonderful plot-o-air-space.
Balcony night life is exactly what you expect. And we certainly have the evidence spewn about to illustrate that point. But that isnt what matters about our ADULT- "Nite Life". The best is that we have my computer speakers set up in a way that allows them to play music out of the windows into the balcony and onto the streets below. we get a lot of "are you the girls that play all that really good music?", and yes it us dance partying amongst ourselves in the night.
Balcony livin' is about living. the balcony is a portal (with only the most timid of monsters sir david) and the time spent in the portal is always pleasant. If there is one theme of my summer it is balcony livin' because balcony livin' is everything, which we know is nothing, but they are one in the same, so hence balcony livin' just IS. Balcony livin'; a world unto itself, a world of all sorts of energies.


Listening to: Air's Talkie Walkie throughout the formulation of this whole entry, but "Universal Traveler" was the key component to it all

The Beginnings of Nothing

Andy Warhol is a paradox. He states "I want to be a machine, dont you?"; yet his profession was that of an artist. If he wants to be a machine, something that doesn't feel, why does he spend his time thinking of ways to make everyone else feel and critique their world? He created POP!, in which he took the benign everyday objects of our life, the items we consume both for physically beneficial nutrients and for media driven consumerism, and made them larger than life. He took one object made it big, colorful; he made you stare at something you already knew but that you only realize you know it because you see its faults in an expanded form. Liz Taylor wasn't multi-colored, Brillo Pad boxes aren't two feet by two feet cubic boxes, but they are both things we know and feel something towards. Whether it be envy for stardom, or sadness for what it means to actually use a Brillo pad (you know actual domesticity, cleaning like the modern human does) sadness for labor and gender divisions, whatever it was he was saying "hey look guys we all know this as Americans and it all means the same thing but yet something different". We all know the overarching societal consequences of these things, celebritism and consumerism, but do we know the intimate sides of these things, the things that make us truly human: emotions. For Warhol Campbell's soup wasn't just an american colored can, but a meal that he had almost everyday of his childhood. Campbell's soup wasn't just about 32 different flavors each on a canvas, it was about Warhol taking something so personal and exploiting it so that America would also have to face him taking the sacred and making it profane. Did he do it so that his memories could be immortalized and felt forever? Did he do it because he knew making something small into something large would make it lose its meaning? After all Baudrillard talks about a hyperreality where each new carbon copy is just a less valuable replica of the original, authentic item. So is Warhol just beating his feelings to the ground? All I know is no matter what Warhol felt something everyday, he was never free from the ultimate human struggle, no new/fake persona, no art, no replicated picture, was going to make him stop encountering sensations. Really what it comes down to is I don't completely buy it Andy; but as someone who also lives their life with a Nothing philosophy, I see exactly what you were trying to do: talk, create, be nothing that someone already hasnt/didnt/or isnt. We are all nothing, we are all everything, we are the yin and yang for eastern oriented thinkers, we are Chicken and Vegetable in a can for Americans, we are Andy's favorite meal: bread and jam. We are something, we are nothing.

Man Man sums it up best with "Van Helsing Boombox":
"When anything that's anything becomes nothing that's everything
and nothing is the only thing you ever seem to have

but only time will tell if I'll allow
the scenery around to eat me alive"

Just Potential Energy isn't for me. It is for all of you. For those birds that have flown to other continents for culture and self-expansion. For those of you that I wish i could talk to more often, for those that don't quite get my mind or words. It is for nothing and everything. Maybe it is for me, but only as much as it is for you. We all have a just potential energy in us to share with the world; but sometimes all it is is JUST potential energy that goes wasted. Potential energy sitting,waiting,wishing, so i hope to enlighten you in someway with justice, with words, with "truth" whatever that even means, even though i am constantly searching for it. But maybe its just pot energy, i mean obviously if you know me it is, but i'm hoping to expand that three letter word into something potent and poetic.

Currently listening to: "Modern World" By Wolf Parade